posted about 23 hours ago on metafilter
How should I buffer a child from the stress of divorced parents' arguments when my ex-wife is extremely open with him about adult stresses and about what she wants?My son is 9. His mom and I have been apart for 7 years, and that in itself doesn't seem to be a big stressor. When my ex-wife decided she hated our city and wanted to move from where we are to city x, she discussed it with him first, and then arranged that the two of them would ask me: "Yes, we can move, as long as Daddy says it's okay." "Dad, can we move there?" The fallout was really bad. There was a lot of yelling. He felt it as a serious conflict between us, he still remembers it (and brought it up with his own pediatrician the other day as one of a few sources of anxiety) and it (in addition to some really serious mom job stress that she was very open to him about) led to a very serious regression that we're deep into. (e.g., scared to be one room apart from me in our apartment, if there's no line of sight.) Today's argument is that she's asking me for a large portion of the holiday break. (Our mediation agreement is to alternate, though sometimes I've gotten substantial portions of her turns when she's had to work. My preference is to give each other a few days in the off years, though she actually fought hard against me to not split the winter breaks when we did our mediation, which, at least to read it, is completely enlightened and equitable.) I told her it was too much to fit with my family's plans and suggested a very short slice would be okay if she could fly him out to us. She said "Fine, I'm not even going to take him for Xmas if it's just for 2 days!" and hung up on me. When I called to say goodnight to my son he immediately said "Dad, I wanna do 60 percent at your family and 40 percent at mom's," to which I said, "okay! thanks for telling me," and changed the topic to his day. (So clearly she had a discussion about it with him.) I'm practicing mindfulness and doing okay at dropping stuff, but... Help! I'm not sure if it quite informs the question, but I also want to bring into the picture the openness she has with him about her other stresses (like telling him that she'll get fired, that she'll get terrible grades in her masters program, that she got attacked by a psych patient and they had to tie him down, and all about various things she sees in the ER) since this kind of over-openness really feels to me of-a-kind with the way she discusses our negotiations with him. I cannot even ask her to keep something private from him. She will even tell him about birthday presents I haven't given yet if she feels like there's something wrong with how I'm doing it. She grew up in a very difficult family, and I think one of the many issues she had growing up was feeling betrayed about some things her parents kept from her, even to the point of resenting how old they let her get before they admitted that Santa didn't bring the presents. I want to treat her with the compassion that needs, and I thikn I do in many ways (and I think that helps my son to see.) but still, do you have thoughts about how to talk to him about it. Confessions: One thing in the "I tried, and regret" column is that I told him (mostly in reference to the conversation about moving) "if your mom talks to you about something important before she and I have agreed about it, you can pretty much figure it's not real." I'll often say simply "that's something your mom and I have to discuss." I don't know. I'm flailing here. Are there some best practices?

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posted about 24 hours ago on metafilter
The concrete foundation in our 1909 bungalow-ish house has some kind of a storage container built into it. What could this have been used for?It has a wooden door with a rubber gasket, a hole where a pipe (?) could go in, and a smaller hole in the floor that looks like it could have been a tiny drain. As best I can figure it was some kind of icebox or cold storage, but it seems kind of inconvenient. Also there was mid-20s oak icebox up in the kitchen, so this smaller cold storage area would seem to be a little redundant. Why built into the foundation? And what's with the pipe? It seems like it was built for a special purpose, I just can't imagine what that purpose might be. Possibly relevant things:House was built in 1909 by a speculator who intended to sell it at a profit rather than live there.The first owner/occupant was a Norwegian family who lived there from 1920 until 1986.Had a septic tank originally, but in 1920 the first owner connected it (himself, he was a steamfitter/plumber) to the city sewer. (Since the sewer pipe goes through/under the foundation, this seemed relevant.)We know from the first owner's second wife that there was an alcohol distilling operation in the basement at some point.This is Portland, Oregon, in case that makes a difference.

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posted 1 day ago on metafilter
So I have this DVD with accompanying copyright information, descriptive notes and disclaimers and I'd like to put it online so others can access it. The last time I did such a thing, I ripped it and converted to FLV and used JW Player. I could do that again but I wonder if that's what people at the end of 2014 would do. Are we in a post-flash world? Could I do something similar in a different format? (Even though I have some experience with this, please "explain like I'm 5.")More specifically, I'd like to show this video on a page with the information in such a way that this text would be seen by all who encounter it. As I understand it, if I use Youtube, I'd have to embed it in a page and people could pass around the Youtube URL which would not have the text on it. (Is this true? Can one put the copyright text as the description so they see it anyway?) What about Vimeo? Is it the same in this respect? Will Youtube (or Vimeo) add advertisements that would be "disruptive?" (I don't know because I run too many ad blockers to understand what others see.)

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posted 1 day ago on metafilter
Katie Bradley loves tortises: "At this point, I have made well over 1500 turtle cozies."

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posted 1 day ago on metafilter
'We Are Going For Change': A Conversation With 23andMe CEO Anne Wojcicki. 'After spending seven months in the Food & Drug Administration's penalty box, the consumer genetics testing firm 23andMe recently submitted a new health-related test for FDA approval.' 'It was a significant step following last November's FDA slapdown of 23andMe's genetic tests, which included health reports outlining customers' chances of getting a wide variety of diseases from celiac to melanoma. In a sharply worded warning letter, the FDA said the $99 tests, analyzed from a vial of customers' saliva, constituted a medical device under its regulations, and the company needed to get explicit approval for providing risks of getting specific diseases.' 'Q: Some doctors and regulators think people need a doctor or a geneticist as a middleman to interpret genetic tests, but you have been opposed to requiring that, right? A: We want to give you the option to talk to a doctor or genetic counselor, but making it mandatory is antithetical to my philosophy. There was also a time period when physicians felt you should not tell somebody is they had a cancer diagnosis. There was a time period when people felt women should not have an at-home pregnancy test because they might do something radical. Q: Do you ever regret trying to be a pioneer in healthcare, which is about as establishment as you can imagine? Did you ever anticipate it would be this much of a challenge? A: The only thing I regret is I'd like to have more time with my children. For me, it would either doing 23andMe or doing nothing. I'm driving for change. On a weekly basis, people come up to me and talk about how I've saved their life. So I can't get a better job.'

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posted 1 day ago on metafilter
I guess I'm 39 going on 9 but I need you to explain feelings please, and what I might be able to to about them. Can I stop/manage/fast-track the negative ones somehow? Illustrative example inside but I'd really like to hear broad principles pleaseHere's an illustrative example: I met someone for a date. She wasn't interested, played with her phone, left conspicuously early. Rationally, I understand I'm not for everybody and am glad the unpleasantness was brief. I came away not feeling anything, just neutral, but thinking I should be feeling some hurt, wondering why I wasn't feeling bad. A few hours later I find myself going around the house feeling angry at my housemate for not doing more housework. Rationally, I know I'm angry at being given the cold shoulder and my housemate is really fine. But for a while I'm seething with resentment at the innocent housemate in feelings, but in thoughts, I'm understanding it has nothing to do with her. So I think I have the cognitive ability to understand what I'm feeling and to stop acting out on feelings (I didn't leave any passive aggressive notes for the housemate in the end, the whole drama was played out in my head). But it seems like feelings have to run their course regardless of what my rational mind is telling them. However is there any way to re-plumb the feelings so that, for example, sadness/anger at a bad date doesn't get misdirected at innocent bystanders and just gets worked through directly? Is it possible to learn to get those feelings out of the system faster so I don't feel bad for such a long time? Is it possible to avoid the negative feelings entirely like some kind of spiritual sage? Are there any books or other resources for the lay person that explain why emotional plumbing is messed up and how to resolve it? If you've been through this yourself and learned something, or seen someone else grow through it, I'd be so grateful to hear from you.

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posted 1 day ago on metafilter
Should I Work For Free? A flow chart.

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posted 1 day ago on metafilter
I just picked up an IBM electric typewriter from a salvage shop. However, as you can see HERE, there's something a little bit strange going on. Any electricians out there who can give me some insight? Thanks!

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posted 1 day ago on metafilter
My daughter is having a slumber party for her birthday. I'm used to (and comfortable with) normal birthday parties: planning lots of fun activities, yummy things to eat and keeping order with bouncing children for a few hours, but I'm worried about having a half dozen 7 & 8 year olds sleeping here. Those of you have done it -- what's your advice? Anything that would help this go well?I've seen this question, but it's more about what activities to plan and I'd like to glean a bit more advice than that.

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posted 1 day ago on metafilter
More specifically: I have a four hour layover in Istanbul tomorrow (after a 15 hour flight) and would like to get free lounge access (which I would get with gold status). Will I be gold during the trip, or will I only be gold after the trip?

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posted 1 day ago on metafilter
Timely Help Needed Updated to Yosemite and now all my calendar workflows require me to click OK to allow them to be run for the first time.I use Automator apps to open recorded mp3s at certain times to run our online community radio station. Upon upgrading to Yosemite all of the scripts stopped working. So I have been manually going through the calendar items and changing them to Open File at time of the event. Fine. But now when they fire OS X prompts me to allow the applications to be run for the first time. I don't have time to babysit a week's worth of calendar scripts and some run in the middle of the night. Please help. Things I have already done: 1) In System Preferences I have allowed applications from anywhere because this was an issue in the past. 2) I have tried manually firing the Automator scripts from within Finder, but I don't get the same prompts as I do when they open automatically via the calendar workflows.

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posted 1 day ago on metafilter
Martha Stewart Living inspires parents to throw a Punk Rock Inspired Party for their children. Instead of advising parents to hijack the school's photocopier and use ransom-note letters from shoplifted magazines for invites; to get their child's mohawk ready to withstand the "nosh pit" with a fresh shave and white glue; perhaps piercing their cherubic cheeks with a safety pins; or even offering lessons in gobbing on the entertainment, the author suggests serving Spinach Ricotta Skulls and printing the sheet music of your favourite punk song on fondant-covered cupcakes. It's no wonder that the real party is in the comments.

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posted 1 day ago on metafilter
What administrative roles are there at oil/gas plants or offshore rigs, in addition to HR and office clerks?What administrative roles are there at oil/gas plants or offshore rigs, in addition to HR and office clerks? In nuclear, for example, we have the Corrective Action Program, which we use to solve plant problems; Licensing, which verifies we are operating under the parameters agreed upon with the Nuclear Regulatory Commission; Document Control; and Planning/Scheduling. I'd also like to know about the job beyond the title, e.g. difficulty of getting in, duties, and how the work fits into the big picture at the plant. Finally, how numerous and secure are the admin jobs at your workplace? Downsizing reduced many positions on the admin side of my nuke. I'd also like to hear about jobs that venture into the field once in a while, such as Safety. Ultimately I'm interested in jobs that take place in the office for a majority of the time. Thank you for your input.

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posted 1 day ago on metafilter
When transferring balances from one mutual fund to another in my 401k, what the is the most advantageous format to use for the transfer (percent, shares, or dollars) and why?I'm in the U.S. My 401k is managed by a big company who's name you would recognize. I am making this exchange via that company's website. I am going to transfer the balance from one mutual fund to another within my 401k. I've done all my research and have made this decision. I'm not withdrawing money from the 401k or transferring anything to another person -- this is all within my own, personal 401k. I am stumped about the best format to make the transfer in -- dollars, percent or shares. Which will result in the most money for me (by which I mostly mean, which will result in me paying the lowest fees). Can you point me to some resources about the pros and cons of each so that I can make an informed decision about which to choose?

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posted 1 day ago on metafilter
I'm looking for a new job - how might I get a recruiter to adopt me?I'm a Product Manager for software in Silicon Valley.

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posted 1 day ago on metafilter
The directors of the horror film The ABCs Of Death 2 were asked for their favorite movie deaths and a compilation of them was made (NSFW). I can't find a list of the films where the clips are from online and I'm trying to find out the ones I don't knowHere's a list of the ones I've spotted than I'm pretty sure about. Can anyone fill in the gaps? E. L. Katz ? Julian Barratt – Theater of Blood Julian Gilbey – The Terminator Robert Morgan – Raiders of the Lost Ark Alejandro Brugués – Alien Aharon Keshales & Navot Papushado – Once Upon A Time In The West Jim Hosking – Caché Bill Plympton - Sometimes a Great Notion Erik Matti – Scarface (1983) Dennison Ramalho ? Bruno Samper – King Kong (1976) Kristina Buozyté – Blue Velvet Lancelot Imasuen – Titanic Robert Boocheck ? Larry Fessenden ? Hajime Ohata ? Todd Rohal – Top Secret! Rodney Ascher ? Marvin Kren – The Deer hunter Juan Martinez Moreno – Let The Right One In Jen Soska – Death Proof Sylvia Soska - Suicide Circle Vincenzo Natali – Robocop Jerome Sable – The Lion King Steven Kostanski ? Julien Maury – Jaws Alexnadre Bustillo - The Dark Knight Rises Soichi Umezawa – The Fury Chris Nash ?

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posted 1 day ago on metafilter
We are going to a Halloween party where the theme is "sinister circus." My husband wants to go as a wicked roustabout. He's all set with a belt full of rope and carabiners, old-fashioned, tattered clothes and oil smudges on his face. He even made up a batch of blue rock candy (which if you're a Breaking Bad fan you'll get.) Problem is...... how do we identify him as a circus roustabout, and not just any old immoral stage hand? Can you think of any little circus-y touches that might help? Note that we are somewhere between intermediate and advanced sewers and crafters, so if your idea takes a little DIY, that's totally cool! Thanks!

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posted 1 day ago on metafilter
How he can move gigantic marble blocks, but his own movements are light? An excerpt from Il Capo by Yuri Ancarani, which follows a foreman at a marble quarry.

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posted 1 day ago on metafilter
My role at my job is changing and I need to stay more abreast of the latest trends in IT, specifically: enterprise platforms (CRMs, CSMs, Human Resources, General Ledger, and lots more!), mobile strategy, cloud-first strategy, DaaS, and I'm sure things I don't even know about yet. I'm looking for good blogs/online resources that I can stay on top of to help me with this. Note: I do not have a CS background, but am OK reading things that require additional digging to understand.I see that other people have asked similar questions and I will use the info in them. The latest looks to be from 2012, so I thought it couldn't hurt to ask again.

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posted 1 day ago on metafilter
"But it wasn't sugar, heaps of which are sucked down daily by the middle and upper classes, that guided his and my grandma's dental fates. And it wasn't meth. It was lack of insurance, lack of knowledge, lack of good nutrition – poverties into which much of the country was born." Sarah Smarsh in Aeon on the sociological, political, and medical intersection of bad teeth.

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posted 1 day ago on metafilter
Chapman University has released The Chapman Survey on American Fears, a comprehensive, scientific survey of 1500 Americans on what they fear the most. The survey shows that the top five things Americans fear the most are: 1) Walking alone at night 2) Becoming the victim of identity theft 3) Safety on the internet 4) Being the victim of a mass/random shooting 5) Public speaking

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posted 1 day ago on metafilter
I'm putting together a Halloween marathon party this weekend, with a few horror movies (about evenly split between good and cheesy selections), and lots of video interludes in between that speak to a sense of pre-2000 horror/VHS/halloween nostalgia. I need your help on the interludes. I'm finding it hard to pick the exact vibe I'm looking for, but for examples:I'm looking for things like the last 30 seconds of this Summer Camp Nightmare trailer for video store owners, any trailer narrated by Percy Rodrigues, the Mr. Show "Monster Parties: Fact or Fiction?" sketch, this local commercial for a video store chain...anything that's either a wonderful cultural artifact and reminds one of Halloween, or video stores before they went extinct, or both, or just a really funny Halloween-tinged piece of culture. I only have time for a very few longer things that aren't full movies, and right now it looks like that will be taken up by the Amelia segment of Trilogy of Terror, the first 20 minutes of When A Stranger Calls, the Halloweenie episode of The Adventures of Pete & Pete, and a midnight all-the-lights-off playing of a radio play from Nightfall. MAYBE Shirley Jackson's The Lottery on audiobook. Can you help me find more of what I'm looking for? Anything that reminds you of Halloween is a good fit - funny, scary, warm-nostalgia-fuzzies - I'm open to anything.

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posted 1 day ago on metafilter
How do you get the world excited about space exploration? With a promotional scifilm. Come see Ambition produced by the European Space Agencacy (ESA) to promote excitement about Rosetta's mission and upcoming landing of the space probe Philae on the Comet 67P/Churyumov-Gerasimenko in November. If you want to catch up as to what Rosetta has been doing over the last decade or see a visualization of highlights (as it passes by Mars in 2007) or goes into hibernation in 2011, wakes up in 2014. A quick overview of the Rosetta and Philae's mission Previously (a selfie of Rosette with the comet) and previously Related and previously (Seven Mnutes of Terror produced by NASA to generate generate excitement about the Curiosity rover landing on Mars in 2012)

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posted 1 day ago on metafilter
While working within the Chicago Police Department, Rebecca Campbell (PhD, Professor, Michigan State University) was told by a detective that "most victims lie" about sexual assault. She, on the other hand, was certain that most victims told the truth. Wondering how both she and the detective could be so certain, she began to do the research to find out. Her work examines how the legal and medical and mental health systems respond to the needs of adult, adolescent and pediatric victims of sexual assault. [Warning for graphic descriptions of assaults] When she asked how they can be so certain that victims are making a false report, police said: "The stuff they say makes no sense." "I see them hedge, making it up as they go along." "They lie all the time. I can tell." "No way it's true. No one would act like that if it's true." "They can't get their story straight." A fifteen year veteran police officer commented, "So no I don't always believe them and yeah I let them know that. And then they say 'Nevermind. I don't want to do this.' Okay, then. Complainant refused to prosecute; case closed." As Campbell notes, "What we know from criminal justice research is that we have a problem with case attrition. Most cases don't move very far through the system. It's happening very early on. And now we have some insight into how it's happening, and we have some important clues about why it's happening — that there's something about victims' behavior that the members of the legal community may not be understanding." Campbell then turned to her own education in psychology, along with psychiatry, where they "study the neurobiology of trauma and victim behavior, and how trauma affects memory, cognition, and emotion." As she examined the neurobiology of sexual assault, she noted that "there are many different regions of the brain that are impacted by trauma. [...] The first two are neural mechanisms that have to do with hormones and emotions that might be happening during the assault. The second two are neural mechanisms that have to do with encoding, processing, and the memory of the assault." By examining what happens inside the brain during a sexual assault, Campbell was able to explain 'strange behaviours' like tonic immobility ("essentially an entire shutdown in the body", also known as "rape-induced paralysis" - the reason a victim doesn't fight back despite knowing she 'should') and how stress hormones make it difficult for the brain to encode and consolidate memories (leading to fragmented memories and difficulty retrieving those memories, and explaining why police felt that stories were 'sketchy' or fragmented). Her research addressed "flat affect" and "strange emotions" from victims making reports. Perhaps most importantly, her research demonstrated how law enforcement interview techniques can either help with memory consolidation or lead to secondary victimization. Suddenly, the victims' behaviour made perfect sense... Watch the webinar here and/or read the transcript here. One victim said, "After years of blaming myself, questioning myself, feeling tormented, I now understand why I froze every time I was assaulted. It now has a name. I don't have to wonder why or what's wrong with me or why didn't I do anything. I can't tell you how much relief this article brings me. You must know how much your website and your work helps those of us who have suffered in silent torment and agony. You give us a voice. You give us compassion. You give us strength and hope. There are no words to express the gratitude I feel." (When I saw her speak in 2014, she commented that she has a hard time getting permission to publish her presentations, statistics, and research publicly due to her funding sources.)

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posted 1 day ago on metafilter
A third-party recruiter wants me to commit to a job before negotiating salary with the company. How do I handle this?I interviewed with a small tech company yesterday - things went well, and I got a positive impression of the working environment and the people I'd be working with. Problem is, I was introduced to this company by a third-party recruiter. After the interview, he called me while I was driving home - when I didn't call him back that evening, he texted me late in the evening. We spoke on the phone this morning, and I told him I had a few questions for the hiring manager that I would email later today. He then called the hiring manager to tell him I had questions, and emailed me to tell me that he was awaiting my questions. The email ended with "I will not engage in compensation talks with until I know you want to work there. Furthermore. I will not have them extend an offer to you unless I know it is an offer that you will accept." While the company and the job itself seem quite good, assuming the pay is in line with what I expect, I'm really fed up with the high-pressure sales tactics, and I'm not sure how to respond. I know that the company can't hire me without going through the recruiter. If I were to be given an offer, I would want several days to think it over, and discuss it with my SO and family. I feel trapped. Help!

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