My partner, who is good for me in so many ways, and has made my life incredibly better, is really self-centered in some ways. He is non-neurotypical. It's confusing. What should I do?I know I'll probably get dinged a lot for this question, as it's similar to others I've asked, but I just don't know what to do and think maybe I'm not phrasing the question correctly. Every few months this comes up and I think about breaking up, but then I realize how wonderful he is and try to find another solution. Maybe I'm just super critical and my standards are too high? My partner has been really good for me. I'm happier, more productive, more relaxed, and more joyful because of his influence. I feel loved for the first time in my life. He takes good care of me. He shows me how much he loves me all the time, by telling me, protecting me physically (getting me a bike helmet, for example), encouraging me, and more. I've grown a lot personally. I'm calmer in general (that's a real issue for me). He is committed to me, has shared his family (who are fantastic) with me, tells me how wonderful I am every day, etc. He also has some rare personal traits that I have longed for for a very long time and never thought I'd find again. I'm okay being single, but I am much, much happier with him. I'm not depressed, probably for the first time in my life. I feel accepted, cared for, stable. (See this comment here.) But there are problems that I keep wrestling with, and don't know how to address. Maybe I should ask separate questions about how to deal with each of these things? Maybe they are all separate things? I don't know. They seem to me to be related. He's very... self centered. I'll give some very concrete examples to see if this helps. It's a bit hard to pin down. For example: - He has to have everything right away, when he needs it, or he flips out and gets angry and frustrated and blame-y. If he's hungry, we have to go eat right then. If he's bored, we have to watch what he wants to watch on TV. If he wants to see me, he gets really distressed if I have other plans. It's very emotionally demanding to be around him. It's draining. - If he doesn't want to do something, we just... never (or extremely rarely) do it. I like to go dancing and have asked him to go with me many times but have never done it. If he likes a set of people, he will hang out with them. If he doesn't, he simply won't ever see them, even if they are my friends. I like girlier movies than he does and we have watched a romantic comedy exactly twice although I watch his sci-fi stuff every week or so. He's just not a compromiser. If he wants to do something, he has to do it. If he doesn't want to do something, he simply won't do it. - He has a lot of trouble listening. He has to say what's on his mind, no matter how long and rambly, until it's been said. He can't give others the same courtesy as he thinks he knows what they are saying before they say it and then has to say his response. If he sets his mind to listen, he is a good listener. But it can't be sprung on him, in the middle of a conversation. He needs a lot of warm up to hear other people. - When he gets defensive, he doesn't just apologize and move on. He has to be right. He explains that it was because he was (tired, hungry, feeling sick, depressed, etc.) instead of just saying, "Yeah, I should have been less defensive." This means that arguments can take an hour that could just take 5 minutes. Finally, at the end, he says, kind of sheepishly, "I guess that was kind of immature." He's open to reading more about the subject, and to counseling. He says he'd be happy to learn some techniques to be better at this. - We stayed with a friend of mine when we were traveling. He thought the friend was boring and uncreative. He couldn't hang out with him and make small talk and just be nice. He was incredibly brusque and wound up staying in his room most of the time. The friend doesn't like him (understandably), and it's strained my relationship with the friend. He's not Asperger-ish at all. He has been diagnosed with ADHD and learning disabilities. I've been reading quite a bit on these subjects and I know that some of these difficulties are typical. I know people are going to tell me to DTMFA. I know this sounds really bad. But... I keep thinking about it, and my life is just BETTER with him in it. I am genuinely happier. I feel safe and secure in ways I never thought possible. I have become more feminist. I feel more empowered. I do better work. I am less stressed out. Also, I love him (of course). So my question: - Have you been in a relationship with some real issues, but that just makes your life better? - He's open to learning about how to improve. I've shared some resources with him before and he read and discussed them with me. He's made some changes to his diet and exercise and that has helped him feel better. If you're like him (or used to be), what has helped you? - Anything else that might help!
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